Praying expectantly
In 1996 I was driving a 12 year old Honda that my dad had bought me in college. Bill and I could not afford to make repairs to it, so as things broke or fell off we kept our fingers crossed and kept driving it. Years had passed since the car had been tuned up and the muffler had a huge hole in it so it sounded like a tractor coming down the road. But the thing that made me the angriest was the fact that the air conditioner only blew hot air. In the summer I would dress to go out and no matter how good I looked when I left, when I arrived at my destination my clothes were sweaty and clinging to me, my hair was a mess, and my makeup was running.
At the same time, I was involved in an Experiencing God Bible study and had reached the section in the study in which Blackaby discusses praying expectantly. As I sat at my kitchen table and studied, I would look out at that car and wonder, “Why doesn’t God do anything about that car and the way I’m suffering?” So one day I decided I’d try it. I said to God, “I believe that the God of the universe who created the giant, mysterious planets and the microscopic, mysterious organisms can provide me with a brand new car!” I wrote it in my book as if that would really hold Him to it. If he didn't answer my prayer then the request would be hanging there like a big, stinking....unanswered prayer.
The next day as I sat again at my kitchen table studying and looking out at that hated car, God said to me very quietly, “Do you ever wonder why that car just runs and runs and runs? It goes and goes without a tune-up in years. Every time you get in, it cranks right up.” The miracle of a car that had no reason to still be running became apparent to me. My earthly father, by that time, had already given me 2 cars. The gift of a new car really wasn’t a miracle. The true miracle was in the God who provided for my needs using nothing but rust, junk, and hot air.
I had prayed expectantly. The answer I got was unexpected. I hope God speaks to you today.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Fourteen Easy Steps to Changing the Sheets on a Bunk Bed
Some would say that changing the sheets on a bunk bed is the most difficult thing they've ever done but I say it doesn't have to be that way. Here are some useful tips for making the job easier.
1. Stare into the room where the bed is located. Calculate in your head how long it has been since those sheets were changed. If you estimate that the sheets have been used for 10 days or less then decide that this job can wait.
2. Four days later enter the room where the bed is located and decide that today is the day those sheets get changed. Step on an expensive toy and break it. Get mad. Decide that those sheets don't get changed until the occupants of the room clean it up.
3. Five days later enter the room and spend 2 hours sorting Legos, cars, stuffed animals, books, etc. Now you're too frustrated and angry to change those sheets. It'll have to wait.
4. Three days later enter the room and prayerfully lay your hands on the bed. Commit in your heart to get those sheets changed by the end of the day. Starting with the lower bunk, begin removing the sheets. Pinch your fingers and bump your head. Get mad and leave the room, vowing not to return until your husband comes home from work and helps.
5. When your husband returns from work (at bedtime), tell him that he has to get upstairs immediately and help with those sheets because you're sick and tired of doing that job by yourself. After the shouting subsides, explain to the youngest child why it won't hurt him to sleep on a bare mattress for one night.
6. A week later enter the room and climb to the top bunk. Attempt to remove the sheets while kneeling on the mattress. This won't work.
7. Lying flat on your back on the bottom bunk, push up on the upper mattress with your feet. When you do this you won't be able to reach the upper mattress because your legs are longer than your arms but desperation will require that you not skip this step.
8. Sit up in the lower bunk with your head smashed against the top bunk. Use your head to raise the top mattress and very carefully use your fingers to push the sheet up and free of the mattress. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
9. Wrestle the sheets from the upper mattress, tearing them in some places. It doesn't matter, they're OFF. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
10. Spread the clean sheets on the upper and lower mattresses. Attempt to tuck the sheets around the mattresses while kneeling on the mattresses. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
11. Step 10 will not be successful. Remove both mattresses from the bed frame. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
12. Dress the mattresses in their sheets. Lay the top sheet loosely on the mattress. Resist the urge to use safety pins and rubber bands to attach the top sheet to the mattress as this will result in further shredding of the sheet.
13. Lift the mattresses into the frame using your super human "angry mom" strength. Ignore the pain in your back and the damage to your innards. Step on more toys. Knock over a lamp and break it. Scream obscenities that would make a rapper feel dirty. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
Voila! Your done! Wasn't that easy!
14. Go to the fridge to get that well deserved carton of ice cream you're going to eat now. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
1. Stare into the room where the bed is located. Calculate in your head how long it has been since those sheets were changed. If you estimate that the sheets have been used for 10 days or less then decide that this job can wait.
2. Four days later enter the room where the bed is located and decide that today is the day those sheets get changed. Step on an expensive toy and break it. Get mad. Decide that those sheets don't get changed until the occupants of the room clean it up.
3. Five days later enter the room and spend 2 hours sorting Legos, cars, stuffed animals, books, etc. Now you're too frustrated and angry to change those sheets. It'll have to wait.
4. Three days later enter the room and prayerfully lay your hands on the bed. Commit in your heart to get those sheets changed by the end of the day. Starting with the lower bunk, begin removing the sheets. Pinch your fingers and bump your head. Get mad and leave the room, vowing not to return until your husband comes home from work and helps.
5. When your husband returns from work (at bedtime), tell him that he has to get upstairs immediately and help with those sheets because you're sick and tired of doing that job by yourself. After the shouting subsides, explain to the youngest child why it won't hurt him to sleep on a bare mattress for one night.
6. A week later enter the room and climb to the top bunk. Attempt to remove the sheets while kneeling on the mattress. This won't work.
7. Lying flat on your back on the bottom bunk, push up on the upper mattress with your feet. When you do this you won't be able to reach the upper mattress because your legs are longer than your arms but desperation will require that you not skip this step.
8. Sit up in the lower bunk with your head smashed against the top bunk. Use your head to raise the top mattress and very carefully use your fingers to push the sheet up and free of the mattress. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
9. Wrestle the sheets from the upper mattress, tearing them in some places. It doesn't matter, they're OFF. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
10. Spread the clean sheets on the upper and lower mattresses. Attempt to tuck the sheets around the mattresses while kneeling on the mattresses. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
11. Step 10 will not be successful. Remove both mattresses from the bed frame. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
12. Dress the mattresses in their sheets. Lay the top sheet loosely on the mattress. Resist the urge to use safety pins and rubber bands to attach the top sheet to the mattress as this will result in further shredding of the sheet.
13. Lift the mattresses into the frame using your super human "angry mom" strength. Ignore the pain in your back and the damage to your innards. Step on more toys. Knock over a lamp and break it. Scream obscenities that would make a rapper feel dirty. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
Voila! Your done! Wasn't that easy!
14. Go to the fridge to get that well deserved carton of ice cream you're going to eat now. Pinch your fingers and bump your head.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Jesus saith, "Thou shalt not Trick-or-Treat."
"Jesus doesn't want us to Trick-or-Treat." This from a four year old in my Sunday School class. He of course is speaking of Christ's words in Luke 24:49 when he is about to ascend into Heaven. The New International Version of the Bible says in v. 45, "Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures." Jesus goes on to point out how he has fulfilled prophecy once and for all and commissions those present to go out and bear witness to what they have seen, but he admonishes them, ".... stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high....and avoid the Easter Bunny, Halloween, Santa Claus, and public schools at all costs."
This last phrase is only available to those with REALLY open minds because JESUS NEVER SAID IT!
You see, that's how those Christians with REALLY open minds are able to sort themselves from the rest of us. If they can find new menacing and evil aspects to those things that used to be innocuous and, at the very least, just fun, then they have managed to somehow elevate themselves above that level ground at the base of the cross.
The Easter Bunny, ghosts, and Santa are not real. It is not until you turn them into minions of the devil (who is real) that YOU turn them into something scary for children.
"But Halloween is a pagan holiday!!!!" They were all pagan holidays! Read a book instead of getting your history lesson from the pulpit! During the first millennium, pagan rulers converted to Christianity (Catholicism). In order to receive the much sought after blessing and protection of the pope (already very powerful) those rulers had to convert their people to Christianity and acknowledge the Catholic church as the official church of their kingdom. Instead of disallowing pagan holidays, the kings and church leaders simply proclaimed those holidays to be in honor of God, Christ, or some saint and the people, accustomed to celebrating at these prescribed times of the year allowed old beliefs to slip away and replaced them with the new.
And where in the Bible does it say that public schools are evil and I need to make a stink when the Ten Commandments aren't posted. Don't practicing Jews revere the Ten Commandments? Why aren't they in there with us Evangelicals stirring the pot? Because their kids have the commandments memorized! They do not need them posted on the wall!
It feels good sometimes to stir the pot for God. Only problem is He didn't ask us to do that. He said, Teach them to your children (you, not the school), talk about them all the time (live them, not post them).
I have been invited into public schools to read the Christmas story by Christian teachers because that story is accepted as a piece of cultural literature. That Christian teacher took that opportunity to share the greatest story ever told with her students.
I have been present in a classroom where one student asked another "What does WWJD mean on your bracelet?" The Christian teacher called the student with the bracelet to the front of the room where she was allowed to tell the whole class what the bracelet meant and why she wore it.
God has not abandoned public schools, Christians have. Jesus never said a child going door-to-door in a superman costume is evil, Christians said it. God does talk a lot about unity. Nobody is protesting a lack of that. He mentions "love" more than several times. Let's open our minds to that rather than condemning harmless children's' activities.
This last phrase is only available to those with REALLY open minds because JESUS NEVER SAID IT!
You see, that's how those Christians with REALLY open minds are able to sort themselves from the rest of us. If they can find new menacing and evil aspects to those things that used to be innocuous and, at the very least, just fun, then they have managed to somehow elevate themselves above that level ground at the base of the cross.
The Easter Bunny, ghosts, and Santa are not real. It is not until you turn them into minions of the devil (who is real) that YOU turn them into something scary for children.
"But Halloween is a pagan holiday!!!!" They were all pagan holidays! Read a book instead of getting your history lesson from the pulpit! During the first millennium, pagan rulers converted to Christianity (Catholicism). In order to receive the much sought after blessing and protection of the pope (already very powerful) those rulers had to convert their people to Christianity and acknowledge the Catholic church as the official church of their kingdom. Instead of disallowing pagan holidays, the kings and church leaders simply proclaimed those holidays to be in honor of God, Christ, or some saint and the people, accustomed to celebrating at these prescribed times of the year allowed old beliefs to slip away and replaced them with the new.
And where in the Bible does it say that public schools are evil and I need to make a stink when the Ten Commandments aren't posted. Don't practicing Jews revere the Ten Commandments? Why aren't they in there with us Evangelicals stirring the pot? Because their kids have the commandments memorized! They do not need them posted on the wall!
It feels good sometimes to stir the pot for God. Only problem is He didn't ask us to do that. He said, Teach them to your children (you, not the school), talk about them all the time (live them, not post them).
I have been invited into public schools to read the Christmas story by Christian teachers because that story is accepted as a piece of cultural literature. That Christian teacher took that opportunity to share the greatest story ever told with her students.
I have been present in a classroom where one student asked another "What does WWJD mean on your bracelet?" The Christian teacher called the student with the bracelet to the front of the room where she was allowed to tell the whole class what the bracelet meant and why she wore it.
God has not abandoned public schools, Christians have. Jesus never said a child going door-to-door in a superman costume is evil, Christians said it. God does talk a lot about unity. Nobody is protesting a lack of that. He mentions "love" more than several times. Let's open our minds to that rather than condemning harmless children's' activities.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Holiday Letters
'Tis the season for writing your annual Christmas letter. Here are some pointers to keep in mind as you compose something that is meant to be thoughtful, festive, and uplifting to the recipient.
Your letter will be going out to all the people with whom you've chosen not to communicate all year long so it will be necessary to remind people who you are and what you stand for. Always begin with a brief (lengthy) "sermonette" on the meaning of Christmas (as you define it.) Remind them that they have allowed Christmas to become a trite, shallow occasion. Use this letter as a whipping post to berate your fellow Christians toward a more humble observance of the Christmas season. They will be SO glad to hear from you at long last. Remember, they won't hear from you again for another year so feel free to include references to Pentecost, Easter, and Epiphany. They've probably forgotten the reason for these dates in the church calendar and will be so impressed with your godliness, "sanctimosity", and "spiritualicity."
Once you have given an appropriate amount of blah blah to Christmas, you can launch into your true reason for composing the letter: yourself. Apprise everyone of the minutiae of your life: your victimization by yet another spouse, the blood in your urine, skin lesions, hair loss,etc. No detail is too small: financial woes, mental illness, whether your own or those of family, friends, or coworkers. When it comes to YOUR Christmas letter, laws regarding privacy DO NOT APPLY.
For some, this is the point in the letter in which you find creative, socially acceptable ways to let everyone know how much money you make. If your husband works for the government, you can casually mention, "Bob got promoted to G-14 this year." This indicates Bob's pay scale and not just his success at work. Talk about lavish vacations and the cars you bought for yourself and your children.
And Your Children....!!!! Where do I begin! You can say, "Bob Jr. has finally gotten his life on track." This little phrase speaks volumes. It lets us know that Bob Jr.'s life has been "off track." It could even be back "off track" by the time you receive this letter. While sounding positive you have still managed to reveal to the reader that there has been intense drama in your life and Bob Jr. is falling short of expectations (no fault of your own.)
Talk about your mysterious son Charlie who wants to be called Mordred and is covered in piercings and tattoos. Charlie was recently arrested for vandalizing city property with pig blood. He claims it is his latest piece of artwork and he calls it "Angst." Say something glib like, "They don't appreciate his brand of humor at the sheriff's office but we love him anyway."
Close this portion of your letter with an after thought such as, "Suzy won Curliest Hair in her high school Who's Who." This lets us know that you almost don't know she's there due to the antics of Bob Jr. and Charlie a.k.a. Mordred.
Now it's time to close the letter which means a concise recap of the sermonette. Exhort everyone to be as good a Christian as you, then close with an insincere invitation to visit. Let everyone know that Mordred's bed is always open since he has taken to sleeping in his closet.
Peace, Love, and Joy
Your letter will be going out to all the people with whom you've chosen not to communicate all year long so it will be necessary to remind people who you are and what you stand for. Always begin with a brief (lengthy) "sermonette" on the meaning of Christmas (as you define it.) Remind them that they have allowed Christmas to become a trite, shallow occasion. Use this letter as a whipping post to berate your fellow Christians toward a more humble observance of the Christmas season. They will be SO glad to hear from you at long last. Remember, they won't hear from you again for another year so feel free to include references to Pentecost, Easter, and Epiphany. They've probably forgotten the reason for these dates in the church calendar and will be so impressed with your godliness, "sanctimosity", and "spiritualicity."
Once you have given an appropriate amount of blah blah to Christmas, you can launch into your true reason for composing the letter: yourself. Apprise everyone of the minutiae of your life: your victimization by yet another spouse, the blood in your urine, skin lesions, hair loss,etc. No detail is too small: financial woes, mental illness, whether your own or those of family, friends, or coworkers. When it comes to YOUR Christmas letter, laws regarding privacy DO NOT APPLY.
For some, this is the point in the letter in which you find creative, socially acceptable ways to let everyone know how much money you make. If your husband works for the government, you can casually mention, "Bob got promoted to G-14 this year." This indicates Bob's pay scale and not just his success at work. Talk about lavish vacations and the cars you bought for yourself and your children.
And Your Children....!!!! Where do I begin! You can say, "Bob Jr. has finally gotten his life on track." This little phrase speaks volumes. It lets us know that Bob Jr.'s life has been "off track." It could even be back "off track" by the time you receive this letter. While sounding positive you have still managed to reveal to the reader that there has been intense drama in your life and Bob Jr. is falling short of expectations (no fault of your own.)
Talk about your mysterious son Charlie who wants to be called Mordred and is covered in piercings and tattoos. Charlie was recently arrested for vandalizing city property with pig blood. He claims it is his latest piece of artwork and he calls it "Angst." Say something glib like, "They don't appreciate his brand of humor at the sheriff's office but we love him anyway."
Close this portion of your letter with an after thought such as, "Suzy won Curliest Hair in her high school Who's Who." This lets us know that you almost don't know she's there due to the antics of Bob Jr. and Charlie a.k.a. Mordred.
Now it's time to close the letter which means a concise recap of the sermonette. Exhort everyone to be as good a Christian as you, then close with an insincere invitation to visit. Let everyone know that Mordred's bed is always open since he has taken to sleeping in his closet.
Peace, Love, and Joy
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Scanner
Years ago I took clothing to an elderly lady for alteration. She lived alone in a small house. On top of her giant Curtis Mathis television sat a giant police scanner. The red lights on the front chased back and forth and I could hear the police transmissions from the driveway when I got out of my car. When I entered the house she would turn the scanner down to a low murmur. She was always glad to see me and after fitting and pinning my garments would always ask, "Can you stay awhile?" "No" I thought but I would always sit down for a little while and it always turned into a long while. We would gossip the way good Christian women do until I was able to extract myself and go home.
How sad, I thought. Her only company is that scanner. She lives her life through the drama of a small, rural, Kentucky county; her only entertainment that segment of society that can't make it through the day without some mediation, guidance, and supervision by law enforcement. How unfulfilled. How sad.
Years have passed and I find that as I go through the motions of the day, there are times when I'd just like to know what's going on outside my home. I go entire days without going out and the unalleviated boredom can be so oppressive. Tonight a friend told me that middle aged women are driving up the suicide rate. I was not surprised.
So for my birthday, I asked for a scanner. As I do laundry, I listen to the endless traffic stops. I hear calls regarding burglaries and domestic violence. There is a woman who calls about once a month because "someone done stole her mama cat." The officers good-naturedly bat the call around and then one reluctantly agrees to go speak to the cat owner. If I listen long enough I hear the call alerting everyone that the cat has returned. The cat always returns.
Frequently, I hear the call go out regarding a signal 5 at the Country Cupboard. These calls always go out around lunch time so I figured signal 5 must be code for someone leaving without paying for their lunch. Turns out signal 5 is code for "I'm taking my lunch break." It was a lot more exciting when I thought someone was stealing from the Country Cupboard.
In conclusion, I find that I woefully misjudged the little old lady with her scanner. Listening to the scanner all day is highly entertaining. Without leaving the house I experience trailer park brawls, life flights, hit and runs, 10-14's, 10-45's. I find my life is richer for it and ....... wait a minute....where's my cat!
How sad, I thought. Her only company is that scanner. She lives her life through the drama of a small, rural, Kentucky county; her only entertainment that segment of society that can't make it through the day without some mediation, guidance, and supervision by law enforcement. How unfulfilled. How sad.
Years have passed and I find that as I go through the motions of the day, there are times when I'd just like to know what's going on outside my home. I go entire days without going out and the unalleviated boredom can be so oppressive. Tonight a friend told me that middle aged women are driving up the suicide rate. I was not surprised.
So for my birthday, I asked for a scanner. As I do laundry, I listen to the endless traffic stops. I hear calls regarding burglaries and domestic violence. There is a woman who calls about once a month because "someone done stole her mama cat." The officers good-naturedly bat the call around and then one reluctantly agrees to go speak to the cat owner. If I listen long enough I hear the call alerting everyone that the cat has returned. The cat always returns.
Frequently, I hear the call go out regarding a signal 5 at the Country Cupboard. These calls always go out around lunch time so I figured signal 5 must be code for someone leaving without paying for their lunch. Turns out signal 5 is code for "I'm taking my lunch break." It was a lot more exciting when I thought someone was stealing from the Country Cupboard.
In conclusion, I find that I woefully misjudged the little old lady with her scanner. Listening to the scanner all day is highly entertaining. Without leaving the house I experience trailer park brawls, life flights, hit and runs, 10-14's, 10-45's. I find my life is richer for it and ....... wait a minute....where's my cat!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Me: The Blogger
How cool is this! I'm a blogger! A couple of friends told me I should try it and they were right. It is great fun. I sit at the computer and go on and on ad nauseum about my latest opinion. Not another soul to insert their thoughts; just me and the computer letting the whole world know what I think. Because the world wants to know. Dare I say it? Needs to know.
The best part of setting up your own blog was creating the profile. Mine took hours. I indulged in a great deal of self examination so that I could answer truthfully and introspectively to each portion of the profile outline. It was gut-wrenching and when it was over I was exhausted. But it has really paid off because I find that every time I go to my profile to see how many people have viewed my auto-biography, I am rewarded to find that people are coming in droves to find out, "Who is this feisty vixen with her Ginsu sharp wit and her delightful perspective on EVERYTHING!?" I never would have believed how quickly my fame has spread! I fully expect that this time next year, I will be doing interviews on the morning news shows and putting together a book deal.
....Oh....I just checked my profile and it seems that every time I check my profile that little number goes up. OK....so I'm the only person checking my profile and yes, I have checked it 48 times in 2 weeks. I'm new at this and I just wanted to make sure it was working right. Oh....whatever....
The best part of setting up your own blog was creating the profile. Mine took hours. I indulged in a great deal of self examination so that I could answer truthfully and introspectively to each portion of the profile outline. It was gut-wrenching and when it was over I was exhausted. But it has really paid off because I find that every time I go to my profile to see how many people have viewed my auto-biography, I am rewarded to find that people are coming in droves to find out, "Who is this feisty vixen with her Ginsu sharp wit and her delightful perspective on EVERYTHING!?" I never would have believed how quickly my fame has spread! I fully expect that this time next year, I will be doing interviews on the morning news shows and putting together a book deal.
....Oh....I just checked my profile and it seems that every time I check my profile that little number goes up. OK....so I'm the only person checking my profile and yes, I have checked it 48 times in 2 weeks. I'm new at this and I just wanted to make sure it was working right. Oh....whatever....
Friday, October 10, 2008
People I Would Shoot With a Paint Ball Gun
This year I am going to have a paint-ball gun mounted inside the grill of my car James Bond style. I will use it on the stupid people I encounter along Life's narrow way.
- I will use it on the people who cut the pick-up line at West Broadway Elementary. I believe that evil triumphs when good people do nothing so I always get out of my car and confront them on their bad behavior. At first they act surprised: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Then I suggest that they get out of line and go to the back. They just stare at me. Then I say, "So you did realize you were cutting the line. Does your child have the same bad manners you have?" Again no response. As I walk back to my car, the person ALWAYS yells the same thing: "Have a nice day." I guess this is an attempt to affirm manners which, sadly, have already been proven non-existent. It's like saying, "May I kindly be excused" after you've robbed the bank. Or Bill Clinton dickering over the word "is" when we've all discovered our president is a "playa." Next time someone tells me, "Have a nice day" I'll respond, "And I have a parting shot for you too." Then hit them with my paintball gun.
- I will use my paintball gun on pregnant women who are smoking, being careful to aim for the tattoo on their leg or their giant, dirty Tasmanian devil t-shirt.
- I will use my paintball gun on people who decorate for Halloween and Christmas but can't get the trash out of their yard the rest of the year. It's usually because they're too busy getting pregnant, smoking, or having their leg tattooed. Why the investment in the giant, $200 snow globe for your front yard when you can't afford to hang anything but bed sheets in the windows.
- I will use my paintball gun on the person who sees me loading my groceries into the back of my car and sits there, blocking traffic, until I've loaded $200 worth of groceries, buckled a 4 year old in his seat, and returned my cart to the corral. By the time I pull out there are 6 cars behind him and 300 other empty parking places.
- I will use my paintball gun on those who use the church balcony as a good place to cuddle. Do you not see all 40 of us sitting down here in the choir loft. We didn't come to see that! I bet if I popped a couple of you with a paintball you'd sit up straight and keep your hands to yourself. I've been sitting in this choir loft for a long time now and I've gotten good at looking like I'm listening, yet, watching every single one of you at the same time. That's right! I saw what you did!
Yeah, I think a little paint would clean this town right up.
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