Holiday Letters

'Tis the season for writing your annual Christmas letter. Here are some pointers to keep in mind as you compose something that is meant to be thoughtful, festive, and uplifting to the recipient.





Your letter will be going out to all the people with whom you've chosen not to communicate all year long so it will be necessary to remind people who you are and what you stand for. Always begin with a brief (lengthy) "sermonette" on the meaning of Christmas (as you define it.) Remind them that they have allowed Christmas to become a trite, shallow occasion. Use this letter as a whipping post to berate your fellow Christians toward a more humble observance of the Christmas season. They will be SO glad to hear from you at long last. Remember, they won't hear from you again for another year so feel free to include references to Pentecost, Easter, and Epiphany. They've probably forgotten the reason for these dates in the church calendar and will be so impressed with your godliness, "sanctimosity", and "spiritualicity."



Once you have given an appropriate amount of blah blah to Christmas, you can launch into your true reason for composing the letter: yourself. Apprise everyone of the minutiae of your life: your victimization by yet another spouse, the blood in your urine, skin lesions, hair loss,etc. No detail is too small: financial woes, mental illness, whether your own or those of family, friends, or coworkers. When it comes to YOUR Christmas letter, laws regarding privacy DO NOT APPLY.



For some, this is the point in the letter in which you find creative, socially acceptable ways to let everyone know how much money you make. If your husband works for the government, you can casually mention, "Bob got promoted to G-14 this year." This indicates Bob's pay scale and not just his success at work. Talk about lavish vacations and the cars you bought for yourself and your children.



And Your Children....!!!! Where do I begin! You can say, "Bob Jr. has finally gotten his life on track." This little phrase speaks volumes. It lets us know that Bob Jr.'s life has been "off track." It could even be back "off track" by the time you receive this letter. While sounding positive you have still managed to reveal to the reader that there has been intense drama in your life and Bob Jr. is falling short of expectations (no fault of your own.)

Talk about your mysterious son Charlie who wants to be called Mordred and is covered in piercings and tattoos. Charlie was recently arrested for vandalizing city property with pig blood. He claims it is his latest piece of artwork and he calls it "Angst." Say something glib like, "They don't appreciate his brand of humor at the sheriff's office but we love him anyway."

Close this portion of your letter with an after thought such as, "Suzy won Curliest Hair in her high school Who's Who." This lets us know that you almost don't know she's there due to the antics of Bob Jr. and Charlie a.k.a. Mordred.



Now it's time to close the letter which means a concise recap of the sermonette. Exhort everyone to be as good a Christian as you, then close with an insincere invitation to visit. Let everyone know that Mordred's bed is always open since he has taken to sleeping in his closet.



Peace, Love, and Joy