People I Would Shoot With a Paint Ball Gun

This year I am going to have a paint-ball gun mounted inside the grill of my car James Bond style. I will use it on the stupid people I encounter along Life's narrow way.

• I will use it on the people who cut the pick-up line at West Broadway Elementary. I believe that evil triumphs when good people do nothing so I always get out of my car and confront them on their bad behavior. At first they act surprised: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Then I suggest that they get out of line and go to the back. They just stare at me. Then I say, "So you did realize you were cutting the line. Does your child have the same bad manners you have?" Again no response. As I walk back to my car, the person ALWAYS yells the same thing: "Have a nice day." I guess this is an attempt to affirm manners which, sadly, have already been proven non-existent. It's like saying, "May I kindly be excused" after you've robbed the bank. Or Bill Clinton dickering over the word "is" when we've all discovered our president is a "playa." Next time someone tells me, "Have a nice day" I'll respond, "And I have a parting shot for you too." Then hit them with my paintball gun.

• I will use my paintball gun on pregnant women who are smoking, being careful to aim for the tattoo on their leg or their giant, dirty Tasmanian devil t-shirt.

• I will use my paintball gun on people who decorate for Halloween and Christmas but can't get the trash out of their yard the rest of the year. It's usually because they're too busy getting pregnant, smoking, or having their leg tattooed. Why the investment in the giant, $200 snow globe for your front yard when you can't afford to hang anything but bed sheets in the windows.

• I will use my paintball gun on the person who sees me loading my groceries into the back of my car and sits there, blocking traffic, until I've loaded $200 worth of groceries, buckled a 4 year old in his seat, and returned my cart to the corral. By the time I pull out there are 6 cars behind him and 300 other empty parking places.

• I will use my paintball gun on those who use the church balcony as a good place to cuddle. Do you not see all 40 of us sitting down here in the choir loft. We didn't come to see that! I bet if I popped a couple of you with a paintball you'd sit up straight and keep your hands to yourself. I've been sitting in this choir loft for a long time now and I've gotten good at looking like I'm listening, yet, watching every single one of you at the same time. That's right! I saw what you did!

Yeah, I think a little paint would clean this town right up.