Why I Hate Walmart

Why I Hate Walmart



It's 9:00 Monday morning and I know I had better get to Walmart now or the trip that should take one hour will end up lasting two. As a housewife I know that the best time to go to Walmart is just after I have dropped the kids off at school. No one is there except old ladies who have been up for hours and the other housewives who have already dropped their children off too.



All mothers know what a hellish experience it is to go through Walmart with school-aged children. The child sitting in the cart is crying and grabbing at anything and everything. The older more ambulatory child is hanging on the cart causing you to collide with other customers. As you careen down the aisles screaming at your children, the other customers roll their eyes, shake their heads, and go back to their search for canned mushrooms. You know this because that's what you did before you had kids.



You enter Walmart(Hell with Price Tags) and locate your personal shopping cart; the one they always set aside especially for you. You know....the one that pulls to the right. It requires both hands and considerable upper body strength to maneuver. You'd go back for another but you do not realize you have the "special cart" until you have placed about four items into it and have tried unsuccessfully to make a left turn. "I can do this" you say to yourself. You press forward like Ann Boleyn to the chopping block.



You chart your course for the crafts and fabric section. It is in the far back corner and you know you will not be bothered by much traffic there. You can browse in peace. And sure enough, it is quite deserted....by employees. In the aisle marked "Beads and Crafts" four desperate women have wedged their shopping carts. There they stand, hunched over the beads, each contemplating a small package of shiny, colorful, glass balls. You know what they are thinking: If I buy a $5 pack of beads and they are the wrong color, texture, or size, do I want to come back and spend an hour of my time trying to return them?



Up at the cloth cutting counter you hear someone ringing the bell for service. You silently laugh to yourself, "What a fool! Have they ever shopped at Walmart before?" A shuffling sound startles you. From your vantage point in the beads, you see a lone figure in a blue vest slowly making their way toward the cutting counter. The look on the employee's face says, "Who is ringing that bell? How am I supposed to get these fake flowers color coded if customers keep interrupting me? They should not even let customers back here until 10:00 when I go on my break."



Now that you know someone is working the cutting counter, you head in that direction with your selections. When you arrive, you are the fourth person in line. The customer at the head of the line is purchasing seven different shades of gray fabric. Obviously, there is a Civil War reenactment going on this weekend. The lady behind you has a crying baby. She frantically tries to mix a bottle of formula and answer her cell phone at the same time. You would offer to help but you know that would probably cause the roof to collapse. This you intuitively know because no one has ever offered to help in Walmart before and it is this strict lack of customer service that supports the entire company. It may even be the force that keeps the Earth spinning. You are not sure but either way, it is obvious that there is something vital to Walmart about refusing assistance of any kind.



After waiting forty five minutes to have six inches of pink grosgrain ribbon cut, you head to the grocery section because you too need canned mushrooms. You know that Kroger, Sav-a-Lot, and Marketplace all stack the canned mushrooms in the canned vegetable aisle so that means that Walmart might stack them with the bananas or maybe they will be in soft drinks this week.



Through the maze you wander, one aisle wide enough for four shopping carts to walk abreast; one aisle dark and narrow like....Walmart. In the narrow aisle an employee has parked a large cart filled with boxes. He stands chatting with another employee. They both had great weekends and need to discuss this now because their breaks are not for another twenty minutes. You very carefully squeeze your cart past the box-laden dolly. They do not acknowledge you or the fact that they are blocking the aisle. There must be a training class called "How to Ignore the Customer." These guys are probably instructors or something. You think you are going to pass your thirty inch cart through the twenty-six inch opening without incident. Then it happens. You lightly tap the dolly. The "instructors" abruptly cease their conversation and turn in your direction. Their expressions say, "You gotta problem with this huge dolly being in the middle of this aisle?" For a split second you are terrified. You move on shame-faced, smiling obsequiously and whispering apologies for being so bold as to come down this particular aisle where so much important work is being done.



The search for canned mushrooms is going no where. You have even resorted to pacing up and down the canned vegetable aisle. You check three times because you know that when you finally go for help, the drop-out in the blue vest will find them in the place you just looked.



So where do you think Walmart hides canned mushrooms? Why, with the canned tomatoes, of course. Duh!!!! Which, by the way, are not with the canned vegetables either. If you ask why canned tomatoes and mushrooms are not with canned vegetables the answer will be, "Because that is where THEY specified canned tomatoes and mushrooms should be." THEY being someone in Benton, Arkansas who knows that housewives respond to being ignored. It makes us desperate for more. THEY know that we love to wander aimlessly through a store pushing a shopping cart that pulls to the right. How else are we to get our exercise? THEY know that we crave time for contemplation, hence the long waits for assistance, check out, photo developing, pharmacy, etc.



Yes, I will probably continue to go back to Walmart. I have to if I want groceries AND pantyhose or groceries AND a potted plant or groceries AND a bath towel. I guess that makes me Walmart's....favorite customer.